I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
