4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
