dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
