i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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