end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
