i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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