my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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