they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
