she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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