I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
