you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
How does one acquire holy water?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
