My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize