remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
