That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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