can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
