I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
