Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
