Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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