he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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