i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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