a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
God, I missed his penis.
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