I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
