I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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