i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
