while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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