soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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