just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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