I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
