my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
did i walk over a car last night?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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