So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
