awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
