Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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