so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
