My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
