I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
