Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
