I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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