I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
