easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
