Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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