I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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