My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
