if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
