he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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