You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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