So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
