the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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