Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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