i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
