I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
