nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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