Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
