im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
