Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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