I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
